If Only
by Jedi Kay-Kenobi
Summary: Obi-Wan Kenobi tells the story of how he lost Siri and reveals his love for her to his padawan Kay, Reopening old, long healed wounds and glances back into the long but never forgotten past.


**The characters used in this story belong to George Lucas. (All except Kay, who is my own character. If an author wishes to use Kay, may they please ask permission from me first before planning ahead.) Any thing Star Wars or related to Star Wars belongs to the brilliant George Lucas.**

  
**If only she were here now.**

"You loved her-" Kay, apprentice to Obi-Wan Kenobi strode to catch up to the older man and kept step with him as they walked through the grassy landscape of Stewjon. "-didn't you master?" Kay asked quietly, her breath hitching slightly as she saw her beloved master stop his stride dead, Kay followed.

Kenobi closed his eyes for only seconds as he turned to face his apprentice. He could feel the curiosity seeping off the girl in waves, but also the kindness and gentleness behind it all. He knew that she knew that if he didn't wish to speak of his lover that she would accept it and let it go. He sighed; letting the fresh air tunnel through his nose and into his lungs. After releasing the breath he had held for so long did he open his eyes and lower them to his apprentice.

Her short, spiky fair hair flowing slightly as the wind brushed the tips of the strands. It was time to let her go and share the memories and feelings he had held for so long.

"Twenty years ago-" he began slowly, closing his eyes once more and painting the picture through his minds eye vividly; "-Myself, my master Qui-Gon, Adi and her apprentice were sent to Cirrus to protect Talesan Fry; well he preferred the name "Taly". Why was he afraid to mention her name? He didn't want the memories to flood him again. No old wounds that he had recovered from for years to reopen. But if he didn't let those thoughts go he would certainly drown in them.

"Myself and-" he sighed deeply, his breath hitching slightly in his throat and his eyes watering slightly; "-Myself and Siri were separated from our masters."

"Master-" Kay began, placing a warm hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder, "-If you do not wish to tell me, please do not hurt yourself."

"No." he simply replied, turning his eyes towards Kay sharply. "I must. I… I need to let go of her; She'd want me to not live in the past."Obi-Wan walked forwards letting Kay's hand slide off his shoulder softly. He approached a small tree that was blocking the sun. He sat underneath the blossoming branches and in the shade, the shadows hiding his grief stricken face. Kay slowly approached him, sensing his grief and anxiety through their training bond. She sat beside him and lifted her gaze to his shadowed face. He lifted his blue eyes to meet her green and their gazes locked for only moments. Behind that placid face, the eyes betrayed the emotion that was swelling off Obi-Wan.

"We hid for days in a cave. It wasn't pleasant. We were cold, hungry and sleep deprived. As each day went slowly by we became more and more distressed and frustrated."

Kay was not looking towards him with the same amount of interest as before. If it wasn't for her persisting him to continue he would have easily assumed that she had lost interest.

Obi-Wan closed his eyes again, allowing his mind to travel back into the memories locked away for so long. He did not realise that through his concentration he was lifting small stones and pebbles around them with the Force. Kay sat still listening; her back was against the rough bark of the tree and she was levitating a circular stone in the palm of her hand. She also watched the pebbles float by lazily as she sat on the cool grass underneath, the dampness slowly seeping in through her leggings and making her skin wet, causing her to shift uncomfortably.

Kay knew how much this hurt her master; She could sense his pain, grief, and even the slightest sign of anger through his heart. She was that attuned to the Force herself that she could feel it radiating off him in heaps. She felt greatly concerned for him; Kay wanted to share this pain with him- she wanted to lift the heaviness of it off his shoulders and carry it for him.

Slowly and tentatively, Kay crawled over to Kenobi and gently placed a hand on his fabric covered shoulder. A hand slowly reached up and patted the hand warmly.

"Later, we were clear to go. We ended up on a burning ship, doomed to plummet to the planet's surface below. We were sure we would perish- burn within the blazing tongues of the flames as the ship continued to fall. Remarkably we survived." Kay stared at him and continued to comfort him. He felt her brush his mind with the simpliest of touches to continue.

She encouraged him always when at his most unseeingly hesitant and unsure self. "We realised that we were truly in love.

"Kay gasped, her breath catching in her throat. She chocked slightly before coughing and taking a sip of what was left in her water bottle."Go on." She replied hoarsely, her own tears welling up.

"We agreed to hide our love-" he continued, "-but Qui-Gon discovered us. He… he told me he could see it between us both and that he contacted Yoda. I… I realised that he was looking out for me, to make sure that I did not make the same mistakes that he once did. But I was too grief stricken to notice. I lashed out at him once or twice but regained my composure. In the end we ultimately ended it. Siri made me promise to forget and never to remind her."

He paused and opened his eyes again. He laid back against the dry area of grass and looked into the deep blue sky through the blossoming tree, his hands cushioning his auburn head.

"So we did, and slowly our friendship began to fall apart. We did eventually mend the void that had grown between us.""About twenty years later we were sent on a mission with our former padawans. It was to see Talesan again. He had become the founder of a great business and unfortunately that changed his personality. He became quite arrogant and indeed pompous; he had transformed from a scared, young boy, to a strong-willed but pompous man.

Myself and Siri soon realised that our old buried feelings were resurfacing. I cursed myself for it."Kay's face creased with confusion; the lines appearing over her forehead and her brows knitting.

"A bounty hunter- whom I, Siri and masters Qui-Gon and Adi had encountered those twenty years ago returned to try and finish his job- assassinating Taly-"

Obi-Wan soon sat back upright again and Kay saw that his eyes were beginning to change red rimmed and puffy, water quickly flooding them and threatening to spill. His breath was quickening and he struggled to speak with out his voice breaking and chocking on his emotions."

We were dragged into a battle and Siri; being the risk taker and thinking instinctively with the hint of recklessness, jumped from her ship to Magus. There I witnessed a fight ensuing.

I watched in horror as the ship began to plummet down to earth."Obi-Wan's eyes were clouded, and he stared straight ahead out towards the distance, his eyes blank.

"I landed and sprinted towards the crater, fearing the worst. My fears were real. There she was. Dying. In front of my eyes. That monster of course survived the crash relatively unscathed."The anger and pain was now rising in Obi-Wan, but was quickly quenched.

**_"Siri, I must get the med-kit." Obi-Wan told her softly, his lips trembling as he laid on his knees in front of her still and lifeless form, his trembling hands smoothing over thin air and just touching her beaten,bruised and bloody body. He was too afraid to touch her and cause her more pain."For stars sake Obi-Wan, I'm dying. Do you have to interrupt me now?"His heart stopped and shot to his throat. "Your not dying." he croaked, tears in his shining blue eyes as he watched her face scrunch up and her to let out a moan of writhing pain, agony. If he could he would take the pain from her right now and endure it himself. Why had the Force chose to take another loved one from him? Was this the Force's will? To forsake him of everything and everyone he loved? To condemn him to a life of misery? She struggled to reach for something in her pouch. "Cant… Would you get it… For me?" she chocked as she coughed violently. Blood gurgled up from her lungs and out her mouth, a small drop trailing down the corner of her mouth. Obi-Wan thought to say 'Get what?' but the realisation of what she wanted came to him as he reached inside her pouch. He pulled out the small blue star that was Siri's warming crystal and planted it into Siri's palm, gently curling her cold, white fingers around it, encasing it in her hand."No…" she croaked, "Yours."She let it fall from her hand and into his."Now I'll never leave you." she whispered, the love she felt for him sicere in her voice. Obi-Wan, no longere able to contain himself, let his unshed tear fall freely. "You'll never leave me." he repeated hoarsely, staring into her sapphire eyes. He could see the light that showed many stars begin to fade away. He only had seconds left to say and do what he wanted her to know."I love you Siri." he moaned as the tears continued to fall, two small drops landed on Siri's right cheek. She reached a bloody and singed hand to touch his cheek. He leaned into it, taking her other hand, which was laid against her stomach and held it gently within his, rubbing small circles with his thumb over the rough base of her palm. ."I love you too… Obi-Wan Kenobi. I always will."And before she could slip away, he leaned his head down and with the gentlest of touches, he laid and rested his soft, warm lips to her cold, chapped ones. The kiss was warm, but he could taste the foul flavour of blood and death on them. Her hand began to slide down his cheek, smearing his cheek with blood; and with her final breath, warm and sweet against his, she was gone. She had left him. At that precise moment in time, the Jedi Master's whole world suddenly came crashing down around him. He felt empty. He knew he had now lost a piece of his heart, but he knew it would be safe with Siri within the Force. His heart had been with her from the moment he fell in love with her twenty years ago. He knew that from those many years ago his heart had always belonged to her, as it would now. But at this moment, he didn't know what living was for, if he couldn't have her in his arms._**

_"_Wow." Kay said, touched. She was truly touched to the core by Obi-Wan's story, and she admired him for having the courage to tell her and to let go. "I'm… I'm so sorry."

"Don't be padawan." Obi-Wan answered, his voice barely above a mere whisper. "Nothing can be done, it's in the past. And thank you for helping me finally let go."

"She would have wanted it." Kay replied warmly, gently touching his cheek with her hand.

"Can… Can I be alone for a while Kay?" Obi-Wan asked, his eyes fixed to the grass where he was picking and entangling the strands within his fingers.

"Yes master. However long you need." She said with a bow before turning off and setting down the grass field to a small town in the distance.

Obi-Wan watched her disappear into the town. He sat back against the tree and reached deep inside his robe pocket. There he pulled out a small blue crystal raised it to his mouth, his cool lips brushing it as he spoke: "If only you were here now." he whispered softly.

A ghostly but familiar feminine voice spoke softly back to him."I am here you silly Gundark-" Siri voice teased. "-Even in death I am with you, as I always will be." A smile played to and touched his lips as the distant voice drifted off into thin air- back into the realm of the Force: "I will never leave you. For I will be here with you… Always."

Fin.

**So there we have it. Please review! I will be happy to hear, and if so I may start writing a series of stories revolving around Obi, Kay and other characters! ;)**


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